If you get grossed out easily, look away now. If you love gross and I mean GROSS stories. This is the one for you.
This weekend was wild for coconut lovers and fans of Reddit.
It all started when a guy shared his story about the first time he made love with some fruit. And hopefully the LAST TIME!
This TIFU didn’t happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I’m using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.
Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a ‘health nut’ phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.
Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can’t fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It’s heaven. Now before I continue I’d best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn’t really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would “go away in the winter”.
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
Worst mistake I have ever made.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.
Never again. NEVER AGAIN.
TL;DR Don’t fuck coconuts.
EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I’m glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.
THE POST GOT SO MUCH ATTENTION THE KID DID AN AMA!
So the reason why I’m doing this here as opposed to the official AMA sub is simply because of the fact that it would probably get removed due to inappropriate content. I see many have sympathised with me here and some have even gone the extra mile and become coconut fuckers themselves.
I’m hosting an AMA! about the coconut incident- feel free to ask me anything at all besides to delve further into my life in Mozam as I feel I’ve already divulged too much. I’ll be answering questions for around half an hour after this AMA gets posted, then I’ve got stuff to do. Fear not though, for the coconut fucker shall return every few hours to answer the new questions and unless this post explodes like the last one I should get everyone’s questions done.
Moderators, if you’re reading this: Sorry for dominating your sub with tales of coconut fuckery… But please do allow this AMA. It was quite heavily requested on the original thread so there is definitely a demand for it.
I’m glad so many have found amusement in my shame and horror and that has somewhat been a cushion for the cringe that I feel whenever I think back to it.
Anyway I hope I’ve filled the word quota as to not get this post removed. I’ll be hanging around waiting for the first questions. Fire away.
TL;DR AMA. I fucked up.
This post BLEW UP! On Reddit and it was only a matter of time before people started trying it for themselves.
This dude didn’t know exactly what he was doing…
I’m a single man who goes on Reddit and has a discount at Trader Joe’s. So naturally I’m a perfect candidate to try and fuck a piece of fruit after reading about it. So using my TJ’s discount, I pick out my specimen along with some coconut oil(I thought it’d fit the theme better than butter). I go home, get the fixes ready and start the juicy jerk.
It’s going good for a good while until I realize something: This isn’t a coconut. Being from a southern family that only knows of starch and fat, tropical produce is mostly foreign to me and in my excitement I realize I picked out a pineapple instead, not a coconut.
The frustration from my mistake made me lose my erection, and the spiky pineapple slid down my now flaccid shaft and onto my foot, piercing the flesh. Now I have a bleeding foot, still haven’t lost my coconut virginity, and Trader Joe’s isn’t open until tomorrow.
TL;DR: Tried to fuck a coconut, but mistakenly fucked a pineapple.
One more guy tried his luck. He saw all the upvotes. All the Reddit gold. All of the comments and love. He needed to try it for himself.
He shared his story:
Mom, I’m sorry.
After the first 2 posts of cocoNUTing I was getting a little interested, but decided against giving in to the combination of being incredibly horny and curious at the same time.
Then the next one came.
I heard my mom’s voice in my mind, “If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?” But the devil on my other shoulder told me that as long as i didnt let it fill with maggots, or drill it to small, or slice my dick on the pullout i would be fine. Boy was I wrong.
I grabbed a spare coconut from a decorative fruit bowl, and begun drilling with a knife and a twisting motion. I lubed up and begun the time old ritual of coconut fornication.
Now, this whole process was quite loud and i was negligent to the fact that my family was still home, but by the time I realized this it was too late.
The door swung open with such speed that I couldn’t react. There was no warning and because of the little bitch I am freaked the fuck out and ripped it off my manhood faster than a bullet.
“What The FUCK” My mom said while seeing me throw a coconut off my bleeding dick. Before I could say anything the shut the door and hasn’t said a word to me since. This just happened, Wish me luck guys.
Somehow convinced myself that following in the footsteps of my coconut fucking brethren was a good idea and i’m now probably going up for adoption soon.